Stressed, weary


Had to leave the charity shop an hour early today, to make an appointment with my endocrinologist (he doesn't work on days I don't have work, so I couldn't have changed it to a non-conflicting day). Just as well, as I was on the register most of my four hours there. I always feel especially incompetent when I am working on the register, even though I made no mistakes of consequence today. That much interacting with people is stressful and draining, especially when I am feeling pressure to respond swiftly and clearly.

It was no less stressful, nor draining, working at my last library placement, but I felt like I was doing better. Perhaps because I mistrust the finality of the register. I'm better than I think, I think, but this is not what I want to be doing.

Leaving early did not help as much as I planned. The person in front of me at the station had a long delay trying to buy a yearly ticket for his wife, without her ID, which was special circumstances for the station staff and took long enough to resolve that I missed my intended train. Fortunately there was enough margin for error that I only arrived six minutes late, well before I was called in or the previous patient stepped out.

My numbers seem fine. Kidney and liver normal, blood pressure normal. Vitamin D still at the low end of normal, so I should occasionally spend some time outside (if I can get some time at home alone to do it in). Was offered a prescription for a topical oestrogen cream, which I intend to sit on for a few days.

Before I left I volunteered to work several extra hours on Saturday afternoon, as apparently the place is short of people that day. I missed a couple of days to being sick previously, so this seemed a good way to minimise the extra time Centrelink might require of my if I come up short in attendance.

I really need to find a proper job. One that would let me afford to look after myself, maybe to move out. My family has decided to force everyone in the house onto a diet, and didn't seem convinced by my assertion that I don't need to lose weight. They seem to have the ability to believe weight loss is not always good or desirable, despite paying lip service to the idea anorexia is bad. My family's attitudes to food and health make me want to avoid eating to avoid criticism for it, to punish my body with exercise until there is nothing anyone could complain of.

I am scared and upset and worried for my grip on myself. I worry there is only so much refusal I can do.