Thing

I'm very bad at living in the present, sometimes.

With such a laundry list of anxieties and insecurities, it isn't too surprising. Much time gets spent angsting about the past, or worrying about the future. Especially the future -- all of my issues with self-worth, accomplishments and life situations get projected onto some hypothetical future self: "if I get to be X years older and A still hasn't improved, what does that say about me? How can I feel a justified sense of self-worth when I haven't yet done Y? If I haven't yet accomplished B despite all the effort put into it thus far, why should I think I ever will?"

It's  been affecting me pretty deeply, I begin to realize. I am beginning to confuse "managing to think about my past angst and future fear without getting depressed and self-loathing."

As if that was any kind of accomplishment. Either way I'm still not grounded, still not *here*. What does it really matter if I think about the future with deep-seated angst or quiet, stubborn hope? It's just as inaccessible to me either way, just as unformed, just as responsive (and resistant) to the events I set into motion (or don't) right here and now. 

It feels very, very broken, to be someone who cannot even figure out how to juggle wanting to change and wanting to accept oneself, and who keeps slipping off that balance onto either extreme. I don't really get what it's like to have a concrete goal or a five-year plan or any of that; every time I've tried to make such things for myself they either didn't map to reality at all, or just seemed self-evidently out of reach. 

I feel like a remora, lately -- it's a step up from being a parasite (and at least I give SOMETHING back), but it's still hard to shake the fact that all the major movements and directions my life takes are decided by some greater, more-capable, more-resourceful being who doesn't object to me hanging onto them.