I'm thinking about university some more.
There was a promise made to me, when I moved in with Derrick, to wipe out my debts to Portland State University and get me on more solid footing to pursue a Bachelor's degree. It was a promise he oughtn't to have made, and in a way I am glad it didn't come to pass. I think that would have pretty well realized any and all fears I had of being a parasite on him, of gaining my own resources at his cost (but without him really standing to gain anything from the expenditure). It is a big problem, to have that obstacle still present, but I would prefer it be removed in a way that does not force someone I care about to make an investment they are not really going to benefit from. Derrick and I do not wish to entangle our lives and futures that deeply together, and so I tell myself that this is for the best and concentrate on how I might serve the goal of eventually returning to school, and actually graduating this time.
My thoughts are not well-developed at this time, nor particularly clear. I have ephemeral interests and my usual standby of wanting to pursue a degree in biology somehow; I think, looking at it further, I would also like to be attending school here in Washington if at all possible. I look at my situation, and it is this: I have unpaid student loans in deferment, poor financial stability right now, a debt that prevents university admissions (most likely) at any time in the really near future (until they are paid off; a process that could take over a year), and the need to save money for a safe living situation when my lease with Derrick comes up and we part ways. Clearly, money is at a premium, and I have already used a significant amount of financial aid. I will need to be judicious with my choice of schools, and it seems like going to school out of state (say, Minnesota if I were to move there) is going to be something of a poor option for me, in terms of both increased tuition costs and the difficulties of moving in the first place. Clearly, it is desireable to stay here if I decide to pursue a degree, and to be patient.
By happenstance, I was in Bellingham yesterday (Derrick and I felt like making a road trip, and Bellingham is a place I hadn't seen, until recently, in far too long--despite being born there). I finagled a trip through the Western Washington University campus, and thought about the economics of attending. So far, nothing terribly specific has come to mind yet (the usual assortment of "what if" and "maybe I could" scenarios, rich in imagery but lean of substance), except to note that in addition to having several degree programs of immediate interest, WWU is also the alma mater of both my parents, and therefore I would be eligible for a scholarship through the Alumni Association that might serve me very well at this time in my life.
Thoughts, is all it is right now. I am charmed by the recent visit and would like for the sights and sounds and sweet memories of my childhood hometown to wear off a bit before I make up my mind about whether to investigate this further. It is ever my way to see a possibility, become enchanted by the beauty of its surfaces, and decide then and there that it is what I will pursue. Knowing this, I will hold back for a few days or however long it takes for my recent visit to become a past, remembered thing.
Then we will take a good, hard look at the situation sometime soon, and see what suggests itself.