"A Cat-Shaped Hole"

We lost Shelby on June 13th, just a little past 10am. 

Her breathing got worse dramatically the night before, and she had more and more trouble sleeping. The following morning, she was very agitated, I tried to hold her to calm her, and she jumped out of my arms, and stumbled to a little house I made for her out of cardboard. 

10 minutes later, she was gone.

It's been hard to adjust to not having a cat in the house over the last month. Much of it is a blur. Often, things seem almost normal, and then the emotional weight of who we lost hits us suddenly. First, it came in waves, then the occasional tremor, and finally, brief spikes.

She was our constant companion for 11 years, ever since we moved in to the house.

At first, I was too devastated to do anything. I gathered up a lot of Shelby's things, washed them, put them away where they'd be useful for the next cat. Other things, I had to throw out, as they simply wouldn't be useful to keep, clean, or had emotional significance. We cleaned up things, built some little memorials. After several weeks, I managed to call the vet and pick up the pair of clay paw impressions we ordered from the vet.

Eventually, little rules we had in the house made due to Shelby began slipping. I used to have my bedroom door shut all day, now I just leave it open. I used to be worried about leaving the door to the basement or porch open, but I realized there wasn't as much of a point. My weekend mornings no longer featured lengthy cuddle sessions and I had the option to go right to my desk if I wanted. 

We discarded some things, had some broken furniture hauled away. Reorganized the layout of a room or two. It's still an on-going process.

Shortly after Shelby died, I realized I didn't want to jump right into having another cat. I had done that through circumstances with one of my previous cats, and it always felt too quick. 

I said to my housemate, "I want the Shelby shaped hole in our lives to heal into a cat-shaped one."

I still adore tuxedo cats in general, and I really would like to find one as sweet and as cuddly as Shelby was. Even if we succeeded, that new cat wouldn't be Shelby. Expecting her to be Shelby however unintentionally wouldn't be fair to anyone. 

So, we wait, and try to heal. And try to clean and prep the house for a new four legged friend.