Of begging for death


Visited my grandmother yesterday, at an aged care home in the limbo between being released from hospital and having a carer arranged so she can be back at her home. I don't know how to put that together into a coherent package. She's in a bad way. She needs a walker even to stand up at the moment, which she didn't earlier in the year when we visited her at home.

Even more than last time she seemed to believe she'd been imprisoned some where for some reason. Hard to argue when every time she said she wanted to go home we were telling her she couldn't yet because arrangements were still in the process of being made. She either wasn't following or refused to acknowledge because it was nearly the only theme of the several hours we were there. She told us we'd be sorry if we didn't let her go. She threatened to kill herself. One thing she kept saying I couldn't tell if she meant she'd let us know when she was out or if she meant she'd tell us what we want to know if only we released her. She asked us to kill her.

I don't know that we shouldn't. Although I doubt anyone will. Just she's been so miserable so long and so persistent in her wish to die. In some ways am reminded of myself, in her conviction that she has nothing, so I couldn't help but wonder if I will be so miserable later and forever too. But she… at one point seemed to believe she had outlived her children (very much she has not, one was even in the room with her).

I don't know. I don't know. I don't have the resources to help and I don't even know what would help.

Said I couldn't put this together in a coherent package. Going to stop here.