Into the present


As for the semester itself, anxiety delayed me from actually participating in the class for the first few weeks. Not that I want to suggest I have any sort of anxiety disorder, or to be appropriative, but I do not know how else to frame it. I felt I had to have my life all set and 'in order' before I could have the mental space to engage with the two units in which I was enrolled, to really properly set to work. I panicked a lot and hated myself.

Eventually I was able to work through the library tutorials. Then I went and did the mandatory quizzes for one of the units (I was enrolled in the intro unit which everyone has to do, and a second year unit virtually everyone in the intake group would be in, as that is the default for where you are at when you have a library technician qualification like I and virtually everyone else does - second year classes and onward).

Oh, before this, while still in the panicking not touching classes stage. I took an indefinite raincheck on the LARPing participation until I "got myself together". Still not followed up on that but I really ought to.

Anyway. So I finally worked myself up to working through the class modules. And with my dogged attempts at getting through those I felt like I was just falling farther and farther behind where we were supposed to be, with assignments looming. Assessment, by the by, for each class took the form of two essay assignments, no test. So since I kept getting more and more behind where I thought I should be, eventually I dropped going through those modules and focused my attention on just getting the assignments done themselves. Since those were the parts of the class I would actually be graded on they needed to be the highest priority.

I did that. I got the first round of assignments in at a rather panicked last minute. Then I let time slip and got the second round in at an also panicked last minute. I had been too scared even to look at the feedback for those first assignments before turning in the second set. I did pass them, not by a lot.

Now that I've got all my assessments submitted I am panicking that based on my performance for the second set and overall non-participation I will fail. When I think about it, I feel convinced that I deserve to fail.

Trying, with this 'free' time I have at the end of the semester, to go back over the modules themselves and engage in the readings and activities I neglected originally. This is proving difficult.

I am as ever determined to push my way through.

Enrolled in a unit for the summer semester, and made a stab at planning out the next couple of years of my degree, assuming that I do intend pass these units and don't end up on academic probation.

Am further hopeful that barring a couple of units which require a physical presence I might be able to move prior to the actual conclusion of my degree, once I get those out of the way. I had previously thought I would lose my access to cheap education if I were no longer resident, but on further reading it seems maybe that restriction applies only to non-citizens. Will have to make sure before actually doing anything, and need to first make enough progress that it makes sense to enroll in the practical units. Particularly, the multi-week work placement unit doesn't seem like something I could get away with or meaningfully benefit from unless I've already developed relevant skills within the course.