No Are

Thought briefly today about conducting my life as if I have only a short time left to live. But, I decided that for me this is incompatible with living as if I might have a longer term future. What I'd do for one would sabotage the other, and if I'm to gamble on one I'd rather aim for the more desirable possibility.

I don't know what I would do, anyway. I take the goal as to finish without regrets ([1]). I have always thought that if I discovered I had some short time left in which to live I would use it to write as much as I could, to leave as much story behind as I were able to. That has been my standing plan.

These days I would not be able to carry it out. I have shed my stories and I have vastly less to write now than I did ten years ago. The same ideas still around if I want to call them up, more or less, but they have ceased to be compelling. Even though I have no literary aspirations I would want what I write to be executed well and these days I find neither spark of that nor urge to place it. Most - not all - of what I have of recent is porn, and while I don't mind that being my legacy, I do not think I would feel a need to fill my final days with its feverish typing. Perhaps I no longer think myself so significant the world must not be denied my work to marvel at.

Let's not be morbid. I think these days my effort would be spent on the presence of my loved ones. There is no accomplishment to be had. How would I decide which tale most urgent to tell, or which books are too important to miss out on? Nothing else, just company.

I am apart from them now because I believe we have a long future, not a brief one, by human scales, and because I believe by doing so I will be better equiped to contribute to our long-term financial security and comfort in life (and not least to minimise my avenues for self-hatred in a life shared). This is not compatible with the alternative, so I am hoping we do not get unlucky.

[1] Do I say minimal regrets? Do I say regret is bound into making decisions, choosing one thing and not another? Maybe, but right now the ones I remember with weight seem like if I'd done different there'd be nothing to regret. Mostly I am regretting the paths which have left me more damaged or less functional in this society. Delayed functionality, at best. And at the time, I did not understand.