The Drupal centric company Acquia may be interested in hiring me. I've been trading emails with one of their HR people for the last two weeks, and as of this post, I'm waiting for them to review some of my code. 

I never expected it to get this far, but I didn't expect it either. My own feelings were difficult to unwrap when I sent of my CV to them. I'm bored with my job at BMC. They pay well, the work is more or less easy, and I'm left to my own devices. One would think I would be happy with that, consider myself lucky, and go on my marry way. 

I can't.

When I was working for MQSoftware, the great part about my job is I didn't know what was coming next. I could be working on a class, writing code for a client, or on a plane to implement an integration. If I ever got bored, I only needed to wait and something would show up. BMC doesn't work that way. You have your role and that's all you do. My role is to write courseware. So I write class after class, until my writing abilities are in serious need of a recharge and my mind feels as flaccid as an empty sausage casing. 

Perversely, this makes me *more* stessed than less. It's a struggle to concentrate. I keep beating my head against a wall over and over for hope that I'd give even the slightest damn about what I'm doing. Instead, I only reap a bloody forehead. The only time it felt great was when it was almost killing me -- months ago when I was writing two classes at once in 6 weeks. Pulling that off gave me something to care about. 

I thought about asking to be transferred to a diffierent place within the company, but that too did not have appeal. I'd be moved from one box to the next in that case. Eventually, I'd be bored with that too. The only real solution is to move on. 

And that troubles me deeply. 

There's still a lot of former MQSoftware people hanging around the company. I also have a lot of reponsibilities and up-coming projects that few others in the company can do. Moving on feels...disloyal. I feel guilty for thinking about it. 

I try to tell myself that instead of moving on, I should just get used to it. I should settle in and relax. I should try to fill my spare time with other projects I could find fulfilling. I try to tell myself that changing jobs right now has a lot of problems attached to it. What about my friends here? What about all that stock they handed me, wasn't there some sort of three year agreement attached to that? Acquia would require moving across the country; am I ready or can even afford that? I don't even own the computer I use in my off time. I use the one provided to me from work. All of these worries skulk around dark corners leading me to hope I am never offered the opportunity to change my direction.