Thoughts

Contemplative today.

Feedle was in town this past week; he took me out for lunch (twice!) and we spent a lot of time just talking. He's always been someone I wanted to feel easier around; between my own personal issues when we knew one another in Portland, and the fact that we were on the periphery of one another's social circles rather than deeply enmeshed in them, it never really happened. Got some wonderful cuddling in too. It was interesting, reconnecting not just with a friend, but with my past and the places I'm from.

Have been tremendously homesick recently. Fall here is comforting, and I actually enjoy a Minnesota winter more than most people, but as the election season approaches (with increasingly-visible displays of local politics) and the weather messes with my moods, I start to grasp just how far away Home is. I miss the Pacific ocean dearly, right now, and the sight of mountains every direction I look. I had a dream recently that I was just walking along Manzanita Beach in Oregon...

Fall is making me all domestic. Tonight's improvised pasta with cream sauce and andoille sausage (steamed artichokes on the side) was rather inspired; pumpkin soup and pie are coming soon, and Marion and Tess enjoyed my homemade spice cider. Should try my hand at Challah again this year...

Been a little bit worried about school plans -- the complications of being a teacher while trans are making me wonder, partly because I get harassed in the street a fair bit. Between having a negligable wardrobe budget (helloooo, fixed income...), questionable fashion sense (helloooo, inexperience) and some quirky sensory issues with clothing (helloooo, autism) just finding clothing in my sizes is unbelievably difficult, and passing is something I can't ever completely rely on thanks to being 6'2''.

I'm not getting down on myself here (seriously, I know I can self-flagellate with the best of them but this is probably not the time to tell me to buck up, because anxiety isn't the primary driver) -- this is a serious practical concern for me. It would really suck to have a degree and wind up basically unemployable in the field anyway...