Tension rules my body now. Neck and shoulder muscles constantly ache from the combined effects of over a year of stress and worry. Just a moment ago I noticed how stiffly I was holding my shoulders, in bed, having just woken in the middle of the night. Relaxing now takes a palpable mental effort, and too often I cannot summon the energy to make it happen.
It wasn't always this way. I remember once a chiropractor telling how he had regularly seen people that did not know how to relax. That if their limbs were positioned straight up in the air, they would simply stay without falling, without any conscious knowledge of how they were remaining aloft. At the time, I found this astonishing how someone could be in such a terrible state.
It's not so astonishing now.
Exhaustion and fatigue are so regular for me now, so common. Sometimes I try to think through my current state, to use introspection and logic to understand how I've arrived here and what I can do to find my way out. When I try, however, I find myself going to circles and no conclusion seems better than all the others including doing nothing at all. Sometimes I tell myself, "It's just the situation --- the combined effects of a over a year of stress," and I should give myself a break.
But it doesn't help.