Five Let Fall

 

To say that the last week was hard would be an understatement.

Monday went well. I was assigned to take a class in one of the iconic products of my new employers. It's a wonderful opportunity to pick up skills that I'd otherwise not be able to develop without putting in my own cash. My supervisor's additional task for me, however, was to audit the class. So, I sat down with a headset and a highlighter pen and set to work. While tiring, I came home in an exceptionally good mood (relative to my normally depressed baseline) and enjoyed the evening. The next day, the week went to hell.

My former supervisor walked into the darkened, empty classroom and began speaking to me. I didn't catch what she was saying as I had the headset on and my skill at reading lips is basic even in well lit conditions. Pulling off the headset, she soon walked toward me, shaking her finger saying, "There's something you should know."

Uh-oh. I thought, That can't be good. And it wasn't. Most of my former department was going to be fired. Today. Five people in all would be left unemployed. Accounting for the entire sales department being let go, and now this, there'd only be two people left in my side of the building.

I returned to my class, scared, nervous, and even angry. It wasn't that my former department had inherent flaws or wasn't a viable business. Given the investment and freedom, we'd be able to continue teaching classes, consulting middleware like we since before I was hired. The problem wasn't us. The problem wasn't what we were doing. The problem was stunningly and astoundingly blunt: They didn't want to

I've hated myself for not being there. For not being on the chopping block with them. Survivor's Guilt, you could say. 

As you can imagine, with all that's going on, it has been difficult to get the creative gears moving. I have tried, but my mind feels rusty and blank. Writing it all down here or in my paper journal helps somewhat, but the psychological and physical toll cannot be simply pushed aside.