Timer

For all my bluster about making plans for surgery, I have yet to reserve an actual date for the procedure. I've made estimates, projections, I've come up with ballpark figures for the year and month. That's a far different thing from giving a precise date and time.

It's been easy to ignore this up until now. I had buried myself in work, I buried myself in exercise, and buried myself so effectively I had forgot that all of this was to serve a real, practical purpose and not some academic ideal. Sometimes I'd surface long enough from my routine to realize this. I'd get on my case, You have to schedule a date. You have to buy a plane ticket. You have to call an electrolysis technician. Each time some convenient excuse would appear and I'd be able to forget about making definite plans. It wasn't just forgetting I was doing, however.

I've actually been avoiding the topic. Laziness or lack of time was only a conveient excuse. Even when I cite my savings projections it's really just another excuse. The point of fact is that I'm afraid.

Terrified...I'm terrified of SRS.

Up until now all of this hasn't been real. It's all been a kind of dreadful game that, if played correctly, would result in some abstract academic benefit. Everything is just an idea right now; the risk of the procedure, the  final cost, and the fact that I'm about to fulfill one of the things I most wanted out of my life. It's more than a little intimidating.

So intimidating that it can stir up old questions I thought had long ago been resolved. For example, do I even want to do this? SRS is far from a perfect solution. There's a list of caveats as long as my arm. The fact that I've been questioning if I want to even have SRS shines an uncertain light upon my entire transition. 

No, I don't want to go back. I still loathe how that particular part of my body is shaped.  And yet, I can't seem to get around the fact that as soon as I set that date, all of the worries and complications appear. The numbers game will become real, and can very possibly take my life.

For the first time since I started this numbers game, things look in my favor. I currently have $11000 in the bank. I have been solidly in the 230s (235 today) for the last month. Provided that surgery will cost about $20k, I have 12 months to save up $9000 dollars if I am to pay completely in cash. That works out to $750 a month. Factoring in my expenses and income, I best that by almost $200. This assumes I won't get a raise this year, and also assumes doesn't account for travel.

You'd think that now would be the time to strike. I should make my move with confidence and hit the chess-like timer to complete the play. Yet I can't get over the fact that once I hit that button, that's it; I'll be under the clock from now until the day of surgery.