Strain

Alright. I've had a bit of time to stew with the housing situation (namely, Derrick's insistence on moving a new roommate in after Morgan's departure). So far, the situation hasn't changed; the most I can say is that I'm adjusting to it as fast and as well as I possibly can.

The options I see are as follows:

Just accept it: This means adjusting my lifestyle to make it easier to room with other adults in a shared situation like this. In other words: stay here, cope with the decreased space and reduced privacy, and just try to keep going with my life as it is right now (more or less). I can *afford* to do it; the question is how feasible it actually is. I can't actually determine that until the situation arrives.

Part of what makes this situation so scary to me is that there's no face to attach to this third roommate. It's not a real individual whom I know and can judge one-on-one; it's the abstract notion of someone I don't know sharing my apartment rather abruptly. This is, needless to say, pretty scary when it's purely abstract. I don't know for certain I'll get along poorly with this person; it's just the fact that I don't get to choose whether they're present if Derrick likes them and I don't that makes me nervous. It's only meant to be for the duration of the lease; perhaps I'll find it tolerable to lower my profile in the house, keep my head down, and concentrate on finding a place to live after I leave this place. I'm not sure how feasible that is, but it seems only fair to acknowledge the possibility that it would work for me.

Try and find a new place: In theory, Derrick would be fine with moving to a cheaper place that's just big enough for the two of us (and correspondingly less money each month; he wouldn't be doing this if it didn't cost so much to live where we are now). As I type this it finally occurs to me that I ought to ask the manager if there are any smaller units in the complex we could possibly transfer into. Other variants of this plan basically require improbable amounts of effort and luck; we'd have to somehow line up finding a party to replace us on this lease (who doesn't mind paying the deposit to us; Derrick requires it), the discovery of a new place, and all the moving hassle, into a conveniently-timed window that seems like it'd be too difficult to even arrange under the current circumstances. Not impossible, perhaps, but hardly something that's assured to succeed on the first try...and Derrick and I are both working jobs, so it seems difficult to conceive of having the time to set this up, even if the circumstances just fell into place (unlikely, in my opinion).

Try and move out: It'd be nice if I could move into a place on my own, but it's not terribly likely. I couldn't pass a credit check to save my life, and I do not have the savings around to cover a deposit plus however much up-front cost they require...to say nothing of being unable to afford any place I've found for rent inside the city or surrounding environs. Furthermore, my income is not stable enough to want to chance being unable to make rent some month, or food for that matter. There are low-income listings I've seen, and I ought to follow up on them...but I'm not sure if my *current* income is low enough to qualify me for acceptance.

It's worth exploring, but not worth pinning a lot of hope on just yet.

Another possibility is trying to find shared housing I can afford. This is chancy in some ways; I'm getting a random mix of strangers, in essence. Not to be preferred, especially with unstable income...sympathetic parties are safer there. I think the only reason it sounds even vaguely more appealing than staying where I am is that I'm mad at Derrick for trying to motivate me with promises I worried were too big for him to make in the first place (but that's a seperate paragraph; the real point is, I'm mad at him now and I will get over it, meaning it's probably smarter to ride it out rather than let it bias me to move out altogether unless there's some other compelling reason to try).

Relocate: Appealing but currently impractical. There's been talk, prior to the current situation, of rooming with Tess -- creating a shared home well in advance of Trice's arrival. Unfortunately, apart from the anticipated likelihood that I'll get on well with the roommate and having an easier time affording my share of things (Minnesota costs less), nothing about this idea currently works. The desire is there; in fact, I'd like to do this anyhow. My job is in Seattle, though...it's going to require jobhunting all over again in a strange place, with worse public transportation than I'm used to and on limited funds. This doesn't seem like a really solid recipe for success, especially as my limited support network is located in the Puget Sound area anyhow. While it would be nice to have this as a more feasible alternative, that's just not on the table right now. I will extend my feelers into the job market before my visit in early September; if I were to get a serious offer of employment things might look very different indeed.

Other variations on this possibility include trying to find cheaper housing in Portland, which is probably not the best idea where employment is concerned. It also wouldn't likely be much cheaper or easier than being here, so it's probably not an actual solution at the moment.

So, that's the current state of things. I don't know how much time I have before it starts becoming a practical issue, but it's safe to say it'll happen "real soon."

I've been fighting off depression lately; this issue with housing is just the catalyst for a recent flareup. The job is nice enough, but leaves me little time to get things done during the week. I don't have much of a social life right now, and have been somewhat lonely at the best of times. I need more medical attention than I can manage myself; I don't know if seeking case management services might help me, or if the problem is one I have to solve. Unfortunately, while I applied for therapy services at a local counselling office, my phone went out of commission on the day they called me back and I haven't been able to get back to them. It's very hard to stay organized...the moment I rise to the occasion and fight off my procrastination, the sheer weight of everything I have to deal with bears down on me and causes me to eventually go numb and start procrastinating again. I'm taking sole responsibility for myself here, but it isn't enough to get the job done. I don't have a solution for this, either.

I'm mad at myself for the way I treated Andrea during our relationship; unfortunately, any attempts to seriously discuss what happened invariably start off seemingly-coherent and rapidly degenerate. I feel like I oughtn't to distance myself from her, but I'm constantly wondering if maybe sharing communication is just too much pain for both of us. There's a distinct awkwardness to it; I've been pressing on because I really do care about her and want to see her life improve. Untortunately, even that itself is triggery for her.

I respond to most of this by going utterly numb inside. Occasionally some of it leaks, during moments of high anxiety; however, the surface displays are quite mild compared to what's going on underneath the surface. When it gets particularly bad, I start deconstructing myself verbally, usually to someone I love; it's very hard to stop the habit (and it's a familiar one; it was much less controlled when I was with Elly and Andrea a year ago).

Things with Joyce and Elly have been confusing, not that this is precisely news. I have been on speaking terms with them for a while now, and Elly and I are able to experience at least a bit of trust and intimacy. I have no specific expectations for this, nor any desire more developed than the observation that, as always, I seem to want to trust Elly a great deal and care about zir tremendously. We're about as close to being on the same page about this as can be expected; it makes sense, as what ultimately came between us was simply that zie'd elected to move to San Jose to be with Joyce, meaning our in-person relationship was over (and zie was heading off to marry a partner of mine with whom things were exceedingly rough, and still are).

We're not exactly "on", in my estimation (we have cycled between on and off an awful lot during the many years we've known each other)...just communicative, and...surprisingly at peace with one another, considering all that's happened in the past year. Good friends as always, and...I can see the desire to possibly have more still lurking below the surface. I'm sure this makes a large number of my readers roll their eyes, but I can't be pressed to feel too much shame over it. If nothing else, we've learned an awful lot about how we relate that mandates heavy caution, if nothing else.

Joyce and I, meanwhile, can barely find the time to have a conversation. When we do, the results are invariably at least a little awkward. I've come to the conclusion that Joyce is just too busy with other things in zir life to have even an effective online correspondance friendship with me right now. It's not so much a new development as just the acceptance of something that's been true of our dynamic since the day I left Cleveland after meeting zir.

It hurts to let go of the desire to actively pursue communication, but...having tried so hard, and not gotten a whle lot back, it's what I'm left with.

I am somehow holding stable despite all of this, but it's a precarious balance. I'm worried I won't be able to take much more. The numbness helps me deal, day-to-day, but eventually it gets past my defense mechanisms somewhere.