Pendulum

Anxiety comes in bursts and peaks, cresting like waves that trough over the walls of calm built to contain them. When the seas are calm, I can hold back the surging water with transparent ease. Churning water is emotion for me, a roil of bubbling stress and stirring concerns. Increasingly, I seek refuge in air.

Stepping outside of context, then, I consider the situations I face locally. It is not the same as the worry that consumes me at sea level. Superficially similar in methods, but in water these rules and systems are always given to seem of vast importance, and are inextricably linked to emotional states. In air, rule and method is exposed for what it is: the playing of games, or perhaps simply programming--any situation is viewed in the context of optimization and goal accomplishment.

As the seas rise, I take to the air.

A job is likely needed, come summertime. The financial gain is but one motivating factor--it is not desirable to remain unemployed while not attending school, for this leaves no obvious means of self-support. From the water's edge it is a difficult, intractable problem, the challenges I face to gainful employment being construed as indicators of self worth. From above, the problem is not simple, but the methods for dealing with it are obvious: bring all factors into the best possible alignment, so as to encourage what opportunities I do find.

Interviews have always been difficult. Encouraging some of the social grace I found during my manic days seems like a fruitful possibility. It has been realized of late that this was only partial mode of self-expression, adopted and created because it seemed needful rather than being some end state towards which I was trying to grow. However, it need not be a false mode. It is simply a mode.

Of greater concern has been finding a job I wish to do. That is really the sum of the matter--I am interviewing, and performing, at distinctly sub-optimal levels when I go looking for work. None of the jobs which I have done (fast food attendant, copy-shop retail, administrative assistant and childcare worker) have been terribly sustainable for me. Only the time I spent at Kinko's seemed likely to last, and intertia was a significant factor there--my health was degrading, even as I lost weight, for the stress and physical strain spent on the job impacted me significantly. I am in worse condition now than when I started there. I wish to avoid impacting my health further, and keeping my stress levels manageable is an absolute requirement. Thus, whatever work I find needs to be something I can stand doing.

This is not to say any job I do must serve my desired career goals. It is simply a matter of feeling motivated to get to work on time, put in a solid effort, and then do it again the next day, unto perpetuity.

It was fortuitous, then, that I discovered a state workforce office has opened in the lower levels of my school, today after class. I spoke with a woman there who seemed both rather observant and kindly-disposed towards me. I wound up opening up to her rather a lot, explaining in detail what has not worked for me in the past and what sorts of work I would do in an ideal situation, where I had credentials to suit my interests. Together we narrowed in on working with books as a likely focus--perhaps with a bookbinder, or in a library or possibly, a retail bookstore. This last was considered less-optimal, but I feel it might be more realistic. Nevertheless, she found my some more-promising positions to apply for and told me to bring in a resume for her to critique. She explained she is merciless with such matters and can be quite harsh. With a shy smile, I told her I rather appreciate the criticism of anything I write, and would happily hear her advice no matter how abrasive. She pried out of me that I am something of a writer, and encouraged this heavily. She said it was a delight to meet and work with me, and looks forward to eviscerating my curriculum vitae.

The idea of working in a library has some strong appeal, and UW does have an excellent Information Sciences program. It is a thought, anyway--to be honest, I suspect just working as an assistant would be a very fulfilling career, even if I did not advance far or make much money at it. To organize, shelve, catalog, and mend hurt books--assisting with queries where needed? It sounds like very suitable work.

There is, I suppose, a technical librarian assistant degree at a college not terribly far from here--it is rather far to go by public transit, however, and would necessitate starting over from scratch without any real headway made towards a bachelor's degree. I think for the moment I am better off sticking with the plan as it exists and worrying about the long term later. The concern here is work for the summer, and possibly beyond if I find myself enjoying it and want to stay a while.

I find myself wishing, not for the first time, that master-apprentice styled professions were more common, or more obvious, or easier to get into. I would not terribly object to that at all--in fact, I suspect I would find it ideal. There is the thought of seeking a job at a bookbinder's for just such a purpose--Washington has numerous small presses, and perhaps there are entry-level positions to be found. The few examples I found of such a thing seemed to indicate it may in fact be a possibility.

(If not, it is a hobby I have been meaning to take up regardless, for my experiences at Kinko's left me eager to learn something more sophisticated than the crude coil, tape and velo binds that their business-oriented facilities left me acquainted with. It would help me learn to sew as well, another skill I have wished to develop. Perhaps this needs to be expanded into its own line of inquiry elsewhere...)

The core of this is simply that searching for work I would want to do is better than indiscriminate searches for jobs I am neither motivated to acquire nor desiring to keep. While it narrows my options somewhat, it may serve me better in the long run, in terms of both time spent hunting, and in terms of putting what resources I do have to the best use.

It would be remiss of me to suggest I am not crossing my fingers as I think these thoughts. I know that seeing too much apparent good in a job can be as bad, for me, as seeing too little motivation--contentment does seem to breed a pernicious strain of laziness in me, and it is preferable to keep myself challenged. In fact, this is true of me in many ways. Having allowed myself to retreat of late, far moreso than in previous months, I am beginning to grow concerned. A balance must be struck between maintaining my current existence and spurring myself onward. Neither can be neglected, nor entirely favored over the other.

The pendulum swings narrow as focus grows. I am patient. It is an ongoing sort of error-correction, not to be solved entirely with any one shift of perpsective...or indeed, ever entirely resolved in perfect clarity. This is life, I remind myself: messy and difficult at times, beautiful and at times wondrous in the sychronicities that converge to shape one's future.