Ramifications

 

This weekend seems to have been a total waste creatively speaking. I had hoped to put some effort into the Paper Girl ouline, but instead I spent the evening in semi-catatonia in front of the hotel television set. I hate when I do this. I always seem to feel better when I put my energies into something creative. Lately, however, I haven't had the drive. It's been like this since some time early this year in Indiana.

It didn't happen when it all fell apart because of that psycho I was working under.  No, this was a problem before any of that happened. I had lost some of that drive before I went to the UK earlier this year. I remember having such determination then to draw comics. I created some of my best images to date while in that hotel room. While I've tried in recent months, I haven't been able to do more than start before I give up completely. Writing too, has been like this. Nothing seems to hold my attention long enough. Instead, I sink everything into whatever client I'm currently assigned. While I complain about the hours I've put in, I honestly don't care anymore.

The work makes me feel as if I have a purpose. I don't seem to get that from my stories anymore. I don't seem to get that from anything but. I'm so, so tired...

Even that rarely bothers me anymore. Secretly I wish to be so tired, so overworked that I stop caring about anything else. Then I'd just be this quiet little shadow that would work and work, never to draw or write again. I just can't seem to get to that point. There's this part of me that cries out for more, something that refuses to be silenced. And yet, that voice alone isn't enough to propel me into any sort of action.  Instead, I ignore that voice for hours or days at a time. Each day I hope that I'll get to fatigue first, or that some suitable distraction would appear. I don't care anymore. 

What I draw and what I write frightens me. I want to bury it all under earth and stone so that it would be completely forgotten. I don't want people to see or read my creations and hate them. Nor do I want people to genuinely like them -- it's such a painful thing. I'd rather just disappear.