It's been several months since I had been on a business trip, and the first time to a new location in over a year. The combination of a new location and a week of solitary time have conspired to make me introspective.
While it's nice to be on the road again, things are certainly not the same. For one thing, I need a better work wordrobe. Since I work from home, I've grown accustomed to T-shirts and jeans as my daily attire. While it's nice to dress up once and a while, I'm beginning to realize just how much it no longer suits me. For one thing: Skirts.
Skirts were my daily attire back in my consulting days. Rarely would I ever break out a pair of slacks, or Universe forbid, jeans on a business trip. I simply wouldn't feel "professional". Since surgery last year, however, I've grown a bit more comfortable with my butchy side. I find that I actually look better in jeans. Given the right pair of slacks, I'd probably look better in those than a skirt.
Skirts no longer show off my figure well as my figure has changed so drastically in the last year. Many of my curves appear only when viewing me laterally rather than head-on. Skirts tend to emphasize body outline when viewed face-to-face; my outline is rather poor in that angle. Tighter fitting clothing tends to negate that problem, while skirts tend to emphasize it. I'm unsure if long skirts versus short skirts has any effect as I only have long skirts with me on this trip.
Many of my blouses are rather tight given the changes in my body shape. Several are practially unwearable, others mearly uncomfortable. Before the trip I was in a near panic about this. I was afraid that none of them would look good on me, and had taken the tightness as a personal failing. Pazi had pointed out to the contrary -- that the tightness was actually a benefit in disguise. At the time, I couldn't see past my own embarassment.
Thoughtout all of this, I'm beginning to realize that I lack a lot of processing time at home. This processing time is critical for my own emotional well being as I tend to need a good amount of time to think things through. When I was living alone, I had that practically every night that I had free time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not denied processing time now that I'm sharing an apartment. My own behavioral pattern tends to push that needed processing time away until some assumed time when I would have the privacy to think more clearly. It's hard to say to my partner, "I'd really appreciate some quiet time," when it's so easy to simply put on a movie and distract myself until bedtime. This is a subtle behavior that will require a lot of reprogramming on my part.
There's more, but lunch is over, and I really should put the blog down.
Comments
FWIW, I think you still look
FWIW, I think you still look great in skirts; then again, I might be biased. And you already know I concur wholeheartedly with Pazi's assessment of tight blouses on you, as I was there for that discussion :)
As for more general body-image issues... mrrf. I can relate. There are definitely times when I feel old, fat, and ugly, despite the input I get to the contrary. It happens. I just wish there were some way I could bottle up the body-acceptance I've garnered and hand it out. It took me a long time to find it. Certainly going through the process of losing 100 pounds helped, but for me that was only one part of what remains largely a mystery. Another part seems to be general acceptance of myself as a worthwhile person; as you know, that's very much an ongoing process -- and at times a desperate struggle.
Actually, now that I sit and think and write about it: the Zen Buddhist concept of "just being" plays a large rôle, too. You can repackage and unwrap it however you want, but a fundamental part of my outlook boils down to being the best person I can be. Some days, that's being a lumpy old stick-in-the-mud. Other days I astonish myself and those around me with how awesome I am :D It is by no means a constant or an ideal to strive for; it's a matter of seeing what cards you've been dealt at any given time and making the best use of them you know how -- and remembering that even when you make a mistake in playing those cards, you're still doing your best. (Keep in mind, too... I've been working with this paradigm for the better part of a decade; it takes getting used to.)
Finally, on quiet/processing time: I've long been in the habit of going for long walks. I'd say 90% of my processing happens during those times. Walks may or may not do it for you, but I'm confident you can find something that affords you the headspace you need to work things out in your mind. Maybe it will be as simple as retreating to the bedroom, with or without a computer or pen-and-paper journal in hand.